I keep thinking about how quickly people come and go in our lives, how fragile relationships are. Does environment have something to do with this? Where I came from seemed like there was a push to survive, always survival was at the top of the list, everything else came second. Is it like this everywhere?
At 39 I feel like I should have my own tribe, my group of people that I’ve grown and continue to grow with, people I have something in common with- kids, music, books, writing, every other word on my predictive text pops up with His name. Why? I’ve never been the type of person to have much in common with anybody. We might share a love of books, but they read books to grow, I read books to escape. We love music, their love of music changes with the times, always discovering new bands whose words grow as they grow, I stay stuck in pop music and music from the past, words and melodies that soothed me then and that I rely on to soothe me now. We are not the same.
I often think of the past, parts of my life that made me happy, finding a book series that I could devour in a period of weeks, coffeehouse poetry and local bands, angsty writing of passionate feelings that should have changed as we got older. I’m always stuck in the past while everyone moves on. Even as I’m growing I hold onto things I should have let go of long ago. I’m not afraid of change, I just don’t know how to.
But the words always change. Today I am lost, anxious, defeated, in love. Tomorrow I will feel the same, and the next day and the next, until one day I just won’t. But I’ll still be stuck in the past, instead of worrying what will happen next, overanalyzing what is happening now, I will long for the past, turning words and actions over and over in my mind, wondering what went wrong when. I’ll hold on too long and not know where to go next.
When the feelings change, so do the words. They’ll become more anxious, more sullen, more disoriented, until they won’t come at all. There will be a period of rest, of contemplation and then inevitably, deletion. I will start over because holding on, even to words, will be too painful until it just seems too irrelevant. Everything changes, it’s supposed to evolve, to make you better, but I think there’s conditions to that. I think you have to want to grow. How does that happen though? Something about analyzing the past, words, people, situations and growing from them. I haven’t mastered the art of that yet. I take what I can from people, places, situations and I hold on too long and move past it. And the one thing that stays the most constant about it all is that the words always change.